I suppose I have written those words a few times in the last month or so, but it still seems unreal. Even though her urn sits on my dresser, I am successfully convincing myself that she is just in Philly, chilling. It works most of the time...except for when I instinctively look at the clock every night around 8pm. That was my routine when I was trying to decide if it was too late to call her. I think the part that makes tears spring in my eyes and my voice catch in my throat is that this isn't at all what she wanted or had planned. I'm sure you're saying, "Well no Nik, no one wants to die." But at 90, some are tired.. ready. Not Millie Chest. She was shooting for 100, even if her body was telling her otherwise. She kept pushing. I wanted her to have what she wanted, but it was out of our control and for women like Granny and me, that's a tough pill to swallow. She raised my aunts and I to be problem solvers, way makers for our families. With limited resources, Granny not only provided what was needed, but she slipped some vacations and cultured outings in there too. The heat always flowed through those radiators and that phone number stayed the same for our whole lives. Granny was a crossing guard and seamstress, neither of which garnered much cash but whenever she stepped out onto Carlisle Street in the West Oak Lane neighborhood of Philadelphia, she looked like she owned that jawn. I raced to the phone to tell her about every promotion, increase, and bonus just to hear her say, "They gave you what??? Ooohhh girl, you doing it!!" She was so proud of us all. The college grads and the ones who worked their tails off because we ALL proved, her children and Grands alike, that we had listened to her. That we had good character first because that's the most important thing there is. My aunts and cousins are the very best people you will ever meet and Gran did that. She was the blueprint and that mold was absolutely broken when she was born.
Many have asked me how I'm doing and when I say I'm doing good, I absolutely mean it... at that moment. Granny equipped me with so much that I lack nothing. I'm able to keep moving forward because that's what she modeled... for 90 years.
I know that I will miss her for the rest of my life, but I also know that her drive is in my dna and I'm going to be just fine.
