One of One - The Legendary Mildred Chestnut

My Granny died. 

I suppose I have written those words a few times in the last month or so, but it still seems unreal. Even though her urn sits on my dresser,  I am successfully convincing myself that she is just in Philly, chilling. It works most of the time...except for when I instinctively look at the clock every night around 8pm. That was my routine when I was trying to decide if it was too late to call her. I think the part that makes tears spring in my eyes and my voice catch in my throat is that this isn't at all what she wanted or had planned. I'm sure you're saying, "Well no Nik, no one wants to die." But at 90, some are tired.. ready. Not Millie Chest. She was shooting for 100, even if her body was telling her otherwise. She kept pushing. I wanted her to have what she wanted, but it was out of our control and for women like Granny and me, that's a tough pill to swallow. She raised my aunts and I to be problem solvers, way makers for our families. With limited resources, Granny not only provided what was needed, but she slipped some vacations and cultured outings in there too. The heat always flowed through those radiators and that phone number stayed the same for our whole lives. Granny was a crossing guard and seamstress, neither of which garnered much cash but whenever she stepped out onto Carlisle Street in the West Oak Lane neighborhood of Philadelphia, she looked like she owned that jawn. I raced to the phone to tell her about every promotion,  increase, and bonus just to hear her say, "They gave you what??? Ooohhh girl, you doing it!!" She was so proud of us all. The college grads and the ones who worked their tails off because we ALL proved, her children and Grands alike,  that we had listened to her. That we had good character first because that's the most important thing there is. My aunts and cousins are the very best people you will ever meet and Gran did that. She was the blueprint and that mold was absolutely broken when she was born.

Many have asked me how I'm doing and when I say I'm doing good,  I absolutely mean it... at that moment. Granny equipped me with so much that I lack nothing. I'm able to keep moving forward because that's what she modeled... for 90 years.  

I know that I will miss her for the rest of my life, but I also know that her drive is in my dna and I'm going to be just fine.  

The Reluctant BossBabe - Certainty

You ever wonder to yourself why someone won’t just leave a job, relationship, situation? It seems so obvious to you, right? Ummm, you’re clearly miserable. Pack your bags, put in your two weeks’ notice, start that business. I had those thoughts of others too. That is until I was the very one they were talking about. Five years into my secure, well-paying government job, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do it for 30 years. I knew that like I knew my name. However, I didn’t leave until after I’d been there for 11 years. Why did it take me so long, you ask? Well see, these people were like my family. They planned my wedding and baby showers. I’d worked with them since I was fresh out of college. They were familiar. I knew exactly what to expect from them and from the job. They were certain. Few things paralyze us like certainty. We say we have to save more money. We say that it’s not so bad. We say that it’s just not the right time. Truth is, it’s not really any of that. It’s the fact that this is what you know. It’s what you’re used to. It’s what you can do with your eyes closed. It’s what feels comfortable.

This has played out in SO many different ways in my life. A few years ago, when I started my fitness journey, I was taking hot yoga three days a week and seeing a personal trainer three days a week. I found myself enjoying the yoga more because I knew EXACTLY what each class would consist of. They were the same moves every time. I knew the move before the teacher made it. However, with the gym, I NEVER knew what was coming. One day we might be flipping tires and the next day we might be running up and down flights of stairs. It was scary and uncomfortable.

Funny thing though, what we don’t know at the time, even if we see it on memes and t-shirts, is that ONLY the new, different, unfamiliar stuff is what grows you. My body changed far more from those unpredictable moves at the gym than it did in yoga. My knowledge base grew by leaps and bounds by leaving that good government job and taking a chance on Corporate.

As you might have guessed, this is directly related to my business as well. It’s extraordinarily uncomfortable knowing how much I DON’T know in this business ownership thing. It’s what paralyzes me every time. And if you start that comparing mess and sprinkle in interactions with people who clearly have it figured out, you might not get out of bed. Part of keeping your motivation in those times is visualizing what it looks like on the other side. The growth, the joy, the strength gained from doing something you didn’t initially trust yourself to do. That kicks “certainty’s” ass every. single.time.

Shake your world up. Live your best life. Comfort  Zones are for suckers.

The Reluctant BossBabe 2

My favorite mug from which to drink at work says, “I have so much to do that I’m going to bed.” I have had this mug for years, so it seems I’ve been in this headspace for a while. I can’t pinpoint exactly when I switched from someone who loved to brag about the serious GRIND they were on to the person who now feels that GRIND equates to spinning myself into a worn out mess.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and my singular desire was to never get out of my night clothes. In years’ past, I would have done the brunch thing, maybe even sold a few of my products and considered it a full but productive day. Nope. Not anymore. The night before, I made arrangements for a friend to take my son to his basketball game on Sunday. I wouldn’t normally miss his games but it was Mother’s Day and I didn’t want to compromise that time. Feel how you feel, judge all you like. I make zero apologies for protecting my mental health and peace of mind. So, I woke up at my leisure, did some reading, made some shrimp and grits, sat back and watched a movie. I then climbed back in bed and started to read my long neglected People magazines. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep, magazines strewn all around, taking a rare nap on a Sunday afternoon.
I am currently watching (and enjoying) myself change and start to implement self-care when I once wouldn’t. Yes, I always took my bubble baths and got my massages but until I really started managing my time, I was just slapping bandaids on gaping wounds. When I started to really assess if it was worth my time to drive across town, make sure my kid was straight, lug my wares for sale, sit in a room where I might just clear my vending fee, I found that many times, it just wasn’t worth it. I should have and am now starting to say No. No to sitting behind my vending table, in church basements, while sweet older ladies pat me on the head and tell me my invention is cute but they don’t really wear make-up.  No to taking a vacation day at work to keynote an event for a brown bag lunch.

Yes, I know I’ve named myself The Reluctant BossBabe but that doesn’t mean that I’m hesitant to work hard, when it makes sense. It means that I’m no longer willing to devote some of these precious 24 hours to tasks that don’t get me to my desired finish line. While I know I could have started this "No" thing earlier, I venture to say, not that much earlier because I had to learn that certain things were just not for me. I had to try them first. I had to attend the event and not make one dollar to realize that I shouldn’t do THAT one again. See, it’s become clear to me what is worth it and what is not. But that clarity came only after doing my time, paying my dues in the trenches, i.e. church basements.
It really doesn’t matter what you do in life, there will come a time when you’ll have to make some solid choices about how you spend your time. Does it make sense for you to work three jobs to afford daycare when one job and Auntie Mable down the street could be the way to go? I’m not suggesting that you be lazy. I’m not suggesting that you stop chasing your dreams. I am simply suggesting what I’ve seen written (that I’m totally going to misquote right now) that resonated so deeply with me…If it’s not a step toward your goal, don’t do it.

I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say that Oprah, nor Beyonce, says yes to everything. In fact, I’m guessing they say No to a whole lot. They have both figured out what events/tasks are worth their time. You are no different. Your time is no less precious. Decide what’s important and make others/things fit into your parameters, not the other way around.

The Reluctant BossBabe

A series of words have been lodged in my brain and I haven’t been able to shake them.

They are: Stop and Start Again; Re-do: Re-evaluate: Regroup

Turns out my entire life has been a series of Starting Again. Refocusing. Re-doing.

Back in late 2012, when I launched Nikki’s Magic Wand, I hit the ground running. I was amazed and excited that the hard work and major capital outlay was paying off. Something I’d dreamed of was now something I could hold in my hand! I couldn’t wait to tell everyone about it so that they could hold it in their hands too. It was an electric, magical (smile) time.

Well, things progressed and by Sept 2013, we’d won a QVC contest and secured a purchase order with them and so began a remarkable relationship with a heavy hitting retailer. I was sure I was headed to the Forbes’ List, y'all! Interestingly, all of 2014 moved like a snail, no inspiration, no big wins and by the end of it, I was convinced that I hadn’t done anything worthwhile. Here was one of the MANY times my momentum stopped and I had to give myself a stern talking to in order to get back on track. What I didn’t realize at the time, was 2014 was a time for planting seeds, by consistently sending wands over to QVC to sell on their dot com site. Those sales led them to call me and say, “Hey, you’ve sold out three times online, we’re thinking about putting you on the show Live.”  SAY. WHAT. NOW?

By June 2015, I was standing in a tv studio in West Chester, PA, praying I didn’t throw up and that the host didn’t break my little Wand on Live TV. This was after vowing in December of 2014 that I wouldn’t have another uninspired, lazy year. Now I can’t tell you that I even went really hard in the beginning of 2015. I can’t recall exactly what I did but I know I kept trying, chugging along with my limited knowledge. Trying to get to the point where I could stand in front of the Sharks and tell them how my little product had been selling like hot cakes and they should start fighting over who gets to board this run-away train. Well, there were no hotcakes, no trains and no sharks. There were highs and lows. There were stops and starts. There was energy and lethargy.

What was wrong with me? Why can’t I get this together? I have never apologized for working a 9 to 5 this whole time but I had to admit it was a time suck. The time I was on Grant street was definitely taking away from the time I could Go Hard in my business. That was a nice and believable excuse for a good long time but I recently came to a realization. I am not 100% sure that I would actually give it my all if I did not still work in Corporate America. I feel fairly convinced that the covers would be pulled up under my chin while I tried to figure out how to finally hit this Powerball.

Would I really work hard? Would I send out those e-mails where I use your first name so you think it's personal, post on Instagram six times a day, follow up with everyone I’m supposed to, attend networking events, find brand ambassadors, shoot videos, go Live on Facebook, create memes, use Canva, do a new photo shoot, offer specials, send samples, approach buyers, contact news outlets, launch each new product, find a new supplier, pay my sales taxes, pay my federal taxes, listen to podcasts, find out how to set up sales funnels, update my website, watch webinars, design new packaging, gather testimonials, create a landing page, run Facebook ads, enhance my SEO, and on and on and on? Would I really do all of that? Hell, I got tired writing that.

Here’s the odd truth: I want to WANT to do ALL of that. I really do. I have been told MANY times that all of that stuff works. You’ve just got to do it. Oh, well now there’s the issue.

I have determined that I am what I’m calling a “Reluctant Bossbabe.” I DESPERATELY want to be a major player. But I also want to sit around and get massages and eat cupcakes .Yep, I know I can do both but when I think of that list I just wrote, the massage/cupcake dreams seem FAR more appealing.

So, here I am. Starting again. Re-focusing. Re-doing.

I’m NOT giving up my Bossbabe dreams because I KNOW I have some fire stuff to contribute to this world in this small biz space. Plus, I thoroughly enjoy rubbing shoulders with the folks who are doing it for real. That tribe is something to behold.

I am officially inviting you to follow along as I gather some energy and excitement so I can knock out these goals. You’re going to witness me be fired up and then you’ll also see me having to smack myself in the face because brunch and SVU has taken over my life.  Stay tuned!

I'm going to do this!!! I think…

Nothing Really Happens Until You're 100% Ready.

A year ago I found myself in the ER with chest pains. Even though my blood pressure was/is well managed and my cholesterol has always been low, I was scared to death.  The diagnosis was that my potassium was low and that I should get it up. While there, they weighed me on a bed scale and even though I told them not to tell me the number, it was on my discharge papers. I almost fell over. I hadn’t seen a number like that since I was pregnant. Turns out the bed scale was off by about seven pounds and I was lighter than I thought but still MUCH more than I wanted to be.  I decided in that moment to do something about it. I joined a gym and engaged a trainer (Club Elevation-OJ Macklin) and also started taking hot yoga. I was going to get this weight off and get healthier if it killed me! 
Things started off very strong. I was working out and doing hot yoga six days a week and logging what I ate in the Lose It app. Slowly but surely, I saw changes in my body. I refused to weigh myself but my clothes were fitting differently. I found I enjoyed working out and missed it when the relentless winter prevented gym visits.  I kept it going though and along with my gym buddy, Sharise Nance for accountability, things were progressing nicely.
After a while though, I noticed some changes and not in a good way. My weight started to creep back up. I was still working out, although no longer six days a week—more like 3-4. And I started to be more casual with my eating. I wasn’t logging my food anymore and had convinced myself that as long as I was still working out, I was cool. Yeah….I wasn’t. Before I knew it, my weight had climbed right where it was around bed scale time.
So, challenged by our trainer, Sharise (who has a self-professed cookie addiction) and I decided to buckle down and start fresh. More working out but even more importantly, more focus on our diet. She chose the eating clean/no sugar route. I chose the Intermittent Fasting and calorie watching method. We have both seen great results. I lost eleven pounds in 18 days and my body is still responding well. I eat pretty healthily but also have what I like. This is really the only way I could keep this going. If I had to seriously consider never having another Oreo, I’d be a mean broad.
I wanted to share this reflection because I thought some of you might be able to relate. Also, I finally accepted the fact that you really can’t out exercise a bad diet, even though my trainer had been telling me that for a year. 
After seeing some of my gym posts, some have said that they know they need to get in the gym. I’ve told them that they will go when they are either fed up or scared straight. There’s no point in guilting yourself if you’re not ready to fully commit.  At the beginning, I couldn’t bench press anything more than 15 pound dumb bells. Now I can bench press ones that are 40 pounds each. I couldn’t do one push up and while they are still not my fave, I can do a number of them before I start cussing. There’s no way I would be ok with losing that strength so I have to keep going.
No matter what change you need to make in your life, you’ll know/feel when the time is right. So many of us are inspired by a new year or other people but those are not real motivations. You have to make changes for you. You have to want it more than you want anything else.  It’s not easy but it’s so worth it!

It's Funny What We Get Used To

About a month ago, I decided to try Intermittent Fasting.  I’m not sure how I stumbled on it but after researching it, it seemed to be a fit for me. I liked the fact that it was not only good for weight loss, but it had also been proven to offer many health benefits. The plan I decided on was the 16/8 plan. That was where you eat within an 8 hour timeframe and fast for 16 hours. I chose to start my eating window at 12 noon and close it at 8pm. So, it means essentially skipping breakfast and avoiding late night snacks.

I was ready!

The first few days were tough. Prior to starting this, I’d be eager to eat by the time I got to work. I’d race to the cafeteria by 9am and get my breakfast and hungrily consume it. I’d be looking for a snack around 11am, eat again at 1:30pm, snack again at 3 or 4pm, dinner at say 7pm and then some kind of treat at 9pm or so. This was the way it had always been and it was what my body had become accustomed to.

After I got into the swing of things, I noticed something very interesting. The morning would progress and as I would consume my water or tea with no sugar, I realized that I was not dying of hunger like I thought I was at 9am during my previous eating style. I was getting used to that feeling of satisfaction from beverages and by the time noon came, sometime I was eager to eat and sometimes I wasn’t. I had gotten used to it and it was my new norm.

Realizing this made me think of other things that we “get used to.”

We get used to feeling alone.
We get used to being unhappy.
We get used to being in a bad relationship.
We get used to disrespect.
We get used to pain.
We get used to having a horrible job.
We get used to being unhealthy.
We get used to being afraid.
We get used to losing.

It’s comfortable, it’s what we know.

Change is hard, it’s uncomfortable, it feels impossible.

The thing is, it’s NOT impossible. If it means enough to you, it’s 100% possible.

It’s worth it AND you’ll be SHOCKED by how quickly you’ll adapt to the new goodness in your life.

Today, pick something POSITIVE to get used to.

ANYTHING worth having is on the other side of fear/change.

Death to SHOULD

My last blog post was a LONG time ago. Eight months ago to be exact. That is a high crime in BlogLand. Truth is, I haven’t had much to say.  While it’s true that I haven’t really been thinking of blogging, something made me feel like the topics should just flood my mind. And there it is. That word…SHOULD.

That word has such power over our lives.

Check out what I mean:

I was inspired to write this blog five minutes ago after viewing pictures of a Facebook friend. The pictures are absolutely beautiful and in them, she is smiling and showing off her figure in a crop top. The pictures exude happiness and confidence and so much self- love. Someone commented that they wished they had an ounce of her confidence and she responded that we have to learn to love ourselves and remember that while we may not be where we want to be, we aren’t where we were. She killed the notion that you SHOULD only wear a crop top if you have rock hard abs. Why would we think that when rock hard abs are super HARD to come by?

My list of SHOULDs is LONG:

1. I SHOULD have rock solid abs. LOL!
2. I SHOULD have a bigger savings account.
3. I SHOULD have clear skin at my age.
4. I SHOULD be more organized.
5. I SHOULD have more willpower with my eating.
6. I SHOULD go home to Philly more.
7. I SHOULD call my grannies more.
8. I SHOULD be further along with my business.
9. I SHOULD have finished my second book a long time ago.
10. I SHOULD cook more.

And on and on and damn on.

Our minds LOVE to tell us that we’re just never, ever doing enough and what a sad cycle and discouraging message that is to tell ourselves every second of every day.  It seems to be much easier to focus on what’s wrong, as opposed to what’s right. Many of us have seen that meme that says, “Even on my worst day, I’m killing it.” We post it to fire ourselves up and let folks know that we’re the shit. However, it’s SO hard to hold on to that feeling and thought. It takes constant reminders and then we’re RIGHT back to SHOULD with, “I SHOULD be able to remember this! What is wrong with me?”

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired. Tired of caring, not so much about what others think but about what I think, if it’s not positive. I’m weary of worrying about how this tummy, that held and nurtured two healthy babies, is not completely flat and still pouchy even though my youngest is now grown man sized.  I’m tired of wondering if you can see a pimple in my selfie. My value is between my ears and in my chest (heart) and cannot be removed by the fact that I have stretch marks or gray hair.

SHOULD needs to die today.  Who cares what you SHOULD be doing. The only thing that is important is if you deeply, genuinely, unconditionally LOVE who and what you see in that mirror and WHEN you get there, nothing else matters.

NOTHING.